Is Singleness Good?

“Woman was made as a helper for man.”

Most of us who have spent time in church are familiar with this phrase, or some variant of it, usually in the context of a sermon on Genesis. However, in January of 2021, I was confronted by the phrase in a different situation: an older woman from my church expressing her disapproval of me. Specifically, she didn’t like the fact that I was a single woman in my mid-20s who had just said I had never desired (or intended to pursue) marriage.

Her words were no mere exposition of the creation narrative. Rather, they carried a clear implicit message: “If you are a woman who is not joined to a man in marriage, you are not fulfilling the purpose for which God expressly made you.” Based on her tone, I suspect she might also have said inwardly, “In fact, by not seeking a husband, you are rebelling against God’s creation order and are not submissive to Him.”

Taken aback, I perplexedly said something about having never desired marriage, trying to get across that it would be rather hard to pursue a vocation towards which I had never felt an inclination. She tersely replied, “Well, our desires don’t always align with God’s will.” Further flustered, I tried to cite the Apostle Paul’s teachings about singleness, but to no avail; his advice, I was told, was due to some historically specific circumstance of distress in Corinth, and not for believers today.

Handling painful conversations.

“I needed to sort out, once and for all, what the Bible really said about singleness.”

Justice Flint

The conversation left me reeling—filled with pain, insecurity, sorrow, and, eventually, once I’d had time to reflect on what had happened, anger. Most importantly, it gave me a deep sense that I needed to sort out, once and for all, what the Bible really said about singleness.

Apart from this lady, most Christians I’d asked had acknowledged that singleness was in some way acceptable, but they were never able to assure me it was robustly good. This left me uncertain for many years about the legitimacy of my situation. This faint praise of singleness, unsupported by any strong theology, gave me the impression that the idea that singleness was acceptable might just be a polite lie. I was haunted throughout my late teens and early twenties by the fear that remaining unmarried dishonored God.

Is singleness even a valid state of Christian life?

This question forms part of the engine of the research I have been engaged in ever since, an engine fueled—yes, I admit it—partly by indignation at being implicitly told I was useless without a husband. However, it is also fueled by a deep desire to know what God really says about singleness, and by joy in my soul at the discoveries I have made. And while I have only begun what will hopefully be a lifelong journey into the truth about Christian singleness, I can say that I have begun to answer this driving question with a resounding “yes.”

A desire without legitimacy?

“I was haunted throughout my late teens and early twenties by the fear that remaining unmarried dishonored God.”

Justice Flint

The opinionated woman at my church believed if there was any good to singleness, it was very narrow and utilitarian. She thought Paul recommended singleness only as an expedient to make it easier to bear some distress (often thought to be persecution or famine) in Corinth. In her view, there was no place for desiring to be single without some extraordinary reason in view.

However, this logic begins to break down under reflection. If singleness is good in at least one context and serves to make us more holy and able to focus on God, why is it bad in all other contexts? The person making this claim needs to be able to show what makes singleness contrary to holiness in other circumstances.

Is singleness unholy?

The truth is, the Scriptures do not describe singleness as contrary to holiness. 1 Cor. 7:9, where Paul famously says it “is better to marry than to burn,” is often taken as evidence that singleness can be dangerous to a person’s sexual purity, but in fact, the apostle is likely describing a situation where a betrothed couple is already committing sexual sin.* In fact, Jesus taught that perfected, resurrected humans “neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven” (Matthew 22:30), which should strike us as highly significant: the most holy state we will ever experience is one of being eternally unmarried—in fact, being made thoroughly like our unmarried Savior. Furthermore, Jesus also described various categories of people who live celibate lives, and did not condemn any of these as deficient or sinful:

“For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it” (Matthew 19:12).

Clearing the fog.

While there is some debate over what situations Jesus is describing here, two things are clear: He is speaking of unmarried people, and He says being unmarried ought to be embraced by those who are able to embrace it. In context, He is responding to the disciples exclaiming that the near impossibility of legitimate divorce means it is “better to not marry.” (Matthew 19:10). Jesus, notably, does not contradict this. Rather, he confirms it.

The affirmation of singleness as not only acceptable, but better, is echoed by Paul in 1 Corinthians, as he recommends widows remain single if possible (7:8) and says that the person who doesn’t marry does “better” than the one who gets married (7:38). Even if we accept the view that Paul’s commendation of singleness is due to a particular historical event, we are left to grapple with Jesus’s unqualified affirmations of the single life, and with the fact that Paul thinks there is something holy about being unmarried, transcending its “usefulness” during hard circumstances.

Singleness is valid.

Yes, singleness is valid. Full stop. It is clear in the New Testament that being unmarried, far from being bad, unholy, or deficient, is a state to be commended, and one which comes with unique opportunities and blessings. Once I began to grasp the basic truth that God did not “side eye” me for being single, or for desiring to embrace such a life, my sense of peace with God and others began to grow. However, there was still work to do. I didn’t only want to know that God didn’t regard me negatively. Beyond that, I needed to know God had a good plan and purpose for singleness, and that I wasn’t just imagining things when I looked towards a future as a single Christian and felt a strangely poignant joy well up in my heart. As a result, I have discovered a truth that I have come to realize is a recurring pattern with the Lord: He doesn’t do anything halfway. If He approves of something, it is not simply “acceptable,” but gloriously good.

Singleness is not only valid, but good.

“Once I began to grasp the basic truth that God did not “side eye” me for being single, or for desiring to embrace such a life, my sense of peace with God and others began to grow.”

Justice Flint

While it does matter whether one uses it for God’s glory or their own, to serve others or to be selfish, the same is true of every relational status, including marriage. Being unmarried, just like being married, is a state of inherent dignity and potential, qualities existing independently of the ways in which particular individuals fall short of God’s ideal. If you have ever felt like your singleness was only “good” insofar as you could “put it to use” (or show others that you were putting it to use), take heart—not only is singleness a valid state in the eyes of God, but it is also a good state, as your very existence witnesses to God’s goodness and to the life of the world to come.

How so?

What does undivided devotion look like in our lives? Check out part 2 of this article: What is Undivided Devotion for Singles?

*For more on this, please see Dani Treweek, “Is marriage a remedy against sin?”, https://writing.danielletreweek.com/p/is-marriage-a-remedy-against-sin.